Black Women And The New Media Attention

Okay. I've waited long enough to finally put my hat in the ring and share my thoughts about the current state of affairs with Black men and women connecting and making it work and to address the White media's preoccupation with it.  First let's get it straight, there are nearly 2 million more black women than men in the US to begin with, so yes there will just be a significant number of unpartnered sisters.  Which brings me to my first point, it's all a numbers game.  But the bigger question that I don't see too many of us discussing is why is it a numbers game to begin with.  To answer this I'll have to go back a little into our recent and distant social history in the US.  It's not a mystery that there have been concerted efforts over our history in this society to destroy, if not cripple, the Black community.  And the easiest way to accomplish this is to dismantle the family unit.  The prison industrial complex and the crack scourge that devastated our community since the early 80's led to the explosive incarceration rates that have greatly affected black men, their minds, ability to work, get an education and take care of themselves and their families, as well as participate in the political process.  But mostly this mass incarceration was able to do what slavery, Jim Crow and segregation didn't.  It nearly unraveled the bonds and connection that not only existed in blood-related families, but also with our neighbors and "play cousins".  My grandmother raised children that were no blood relation to her as many poor people have throughout our history in this country.

Now today in the aftermath of the crack epidemic, that nearly leveled our community and family structure, our values for life, the youth, respect for the elderly, education and just plain old everyday love have fallen by the way side.  Now let's talk about how this impacts black men and women dating, relating and connecting.  Firstly, I'm not sure there ever was a solid handle on talking to young people honestly about sex and dating, and all the complexities of relationships.  I, and many of my peers, were told "just don't get pregnant" without any solid discussions about the landscape of handling sex and intimacy.  So I'm not convinced that the basics were ever fully established to sustain healthy, loving relationships and th sexual revolution didn't improve that in my opinion.  This was the standard across racial and ethnic lines.  Americans have always had an adolescent attitude towards human sexuality and unfortunately our community didn't do much better in communicating the mine field that is sex.  Now you couple that with a growing achievement gap between black men and women and the fact that many of our men who have accomplishments under their belt prefer women of other races.  A black female in college doesn't know if she'll marry a black man.  How sad is that.  Then you have many sisters feeling entitled to having a "good man" because she has a college education, is professional, independent, childless and is a homeowner.  None of which really matters to most men looking for a committed relationship as far as I can tell.  It takes relationship skills like: negotiation, loyalty, being supportive, having your own life, consideration, having his back and lastly liking sex as what men look for most.  And in my humble opinion most women are looking for a man who displays leadership, honesty, commitment and someone who makes us feel safe.  Period.  A man who is a college educated professional could take your money, sex your cousin and wreck your car like any other cat.

Now to the media, today you have the NY Times asking "what's wrong with Black women?"  As if to say we're defective and fucked up, and why don't their own men want to be bothered with them anymore.  When I watched the Nightline 2-hour show on such topic I was disgusted.  How could a room full of educated and attractive black men and women totally miss the point.  The point is that we're not together like we've been in the past and it's all calculated and set up that way.  We sit up and focus on the state of our own personal lives and can't see that it's meant to be this way. The biggest blow you can give your enemy is to destroy his family.The children, husbands and wives all estranged and/or angry.  How can life flourish in this?  Even after slavery ended, you had slaves walking all over this country to find family that had been sold off just to reconnect and start to build, but with family first.  Now we're all super-educated and multi-degreed and can't find a mate.  How did this happen?  Well it happens when you live in a nation whose media promotes the daily onslaught of self-hate imagery and buffoonery of African Americans.  Whether its the visual media on television, the internet, movies, news or the music industry that promotes damaging images of Black men as thugs and Black women as whores sold to the highest bidder, we're put on a constant diet of "Look at you, you're fucked up and won't make it"  You start to look at your brothers like they're the clowns in the video or the thug on the news last night, or you see sisters as "Bitches" and that name soon becomes synonymous with "black women".  I pass Smooth Magazine every morning at the newsstand with a young "exotic" sister half naked with butt exposed, but see the cover of Penthouse and Playboy discretely covered up.  As if these women's precious virtue still has to be protected even if they're on the cover of a skin magazine.  Then there are the random news stories about the rates of HIV and STD infections in our community.  How black women have such a higher incidence of herpes was the recent story.  Now I know that epidemiological studies are skewed by race and class but I heard many black people blindly believing these statistics and not questioning anything.  But diseases or social problems that disproportionately affect White Americans are never explored in the media, i.e. crystal meth, as if they're a part of some white pathology.  The media through shows like Jerry Springer and Maury Povitch, which too many of us are loyal viewers, constantly perpetuates stereotypes that we've begun to subscribe to and don't even question anymore.  We've accepted it like children and don't see the deleterious effects it has on our collective psyches.  Then I notice all this media attention on the singlehood of black women happens to be during the first term of our first Black President.  It still shocks me so I know it must shock others to see a beautiful loving family that's drama-free.  You don't see that much anymore in the mainstream media concerning Black people.  Then there's the gracious, ever-elegant Michele Obama that leaves many dumb-founded.  Who is she to go to Spain and be fabulous, ivy league educated and rock Lanvin?  I believe alot of this focus on single black women is about the discomfort many Americans have about having to face Michele on a regular basis.  They're not used to all that "bad-sister" flyness on the daily and want to remind us that you might achieve status, wealth and fame but don't expect to have a partner to share all of that.

Back to the numbers game.  Black men have a loaded deck and don't seem to care how the game ends,  they're just enjoying the hand they have right now.  After generations of being relegated to being the Black Stud, football catcher, basketball chasing, ball-throwing womanizer, the media heat has backed off of him just a taste and is now lasering in on the Black woman.  He's left to enjoy the fruits of being reduced to a stud for women of other races. Brothers, don't be fooled by this. Anyone who wants to put you in a single box and not see the fullness of your humanity isn't doing you any favors.  So now the question has become, what is it about Black women that is so disdainful that they're all alone?  Well first let me state, not a damn thing.  We're complicated, 3-dimensional people that are as resilient as a phoenix out of the ashes.  And no matter what our men or anyone else might say, they all know it.  Our community as a whole is held together by the tenuous threads of Black women.  Mothers, workers, community organizers and most member of our religious institutions.  It's all us. Holding it down.  Stressed out and back nearly broken, but still holding it down.  And yes, many of our men are here still holding it down and still fighting to protect and love their women and children.  Black women are not unlovable or undesirable.   We're not like some of our detractors would argue, too loud, aggressive, and bossy.   We're tired.  Tired of holding most of it down alone.  Let me clue folks in, women are complicated.  Period.  So if she's white, asian, latina it don't matter.  Black women are just as complicated as anyone else and should be allowed to be who they are instead of punished for it.  First seek to understand the sister you dismiss with all the ready stereotypes. 

I believe we're at a crisis point in our community, and you know the Chinese icon for crisis means opportunity.  Right now we have an opportunity to look inward, backward and forward to see how we've gotten to this place and what we need to do to move to a new place.  There's a collective cultural examination that needs to happen as well as the individual to take stock of their own baggage.  Let's not look back with nostalgia at the past as if everything was so rosy, but really look at what we can learn today and what we need to throw away.  We need to get committed to changing and doing better by each other.  First take a look at the language we use.  It reveals alot.  Nigger, bitches, hoes, chickens, birds, losers.  You know the rest.... 

We're allowing the media to trivialize this issue as some scandalous, emotionally-tinged issue to sensationalize rather than part of a broader soci-political discussion of the future of black america. Sure it has to do with the universal theme of finding love, but this is more than a dating issue and more about the social and cultural problem only we can solve.  And yes it is a problem.  We need strong families with healthy minded men and women directing our children to lead in the future.  Putting away the bullshit, cleaning up our collective acts and giving a close look to our own personal baggage and expectations means we have to self-examine and get to work.  Not talk about how brothers are dating whoever, or sisters don't wanna date a brothers' propspects.

Black Economic Development: Can It Happen?

I attended a local event the other evening in my beloved Harlem neighborhood.  The topic addressed by a panel was on gentrification locally, but also in the Harlems all over the world, and how Black people can mobilize at this tipping point to become economically empowered.  First, there were applause and passionate rhetoric thrown around from all over the room but my main thought kept coming back to, will Black people love ourselves enough to start doing the work that needs to be done? Simple.  We often times feel energized by a good speech or moved to think about ways we could start to turn it around, but how many of us take that leap into action.  It feels sometimes like we don't have the will and the energy to take action to do what's in our own best interest.  We've become complacent and throw up our hands then decide to just look out for ourselves and step over the problems all around us.  And yes, I use the inclusive "we" because this includes me too.  I think all of us sometimes feel the fatigue and the frustration at the system that has created these conditions, but also for the many brothers and sisters who succumb to the weight we're all under.  I know the problems are massive and feel unsurmountable at times.  But the hole keeps getting bigger and the calvary isn't coming to save us.  Yes, we have a Black president.  Sometimes I still find myself in shock at this reality nearly 2 years later and I'm still filled with joy and pride whenever I see pictures of those two beautiful brown girls growing up in the White House.  But as much as I believe Brother Barack cares for his people and as powerful as he is, he alone can't turn the tide that plagues us daily.  He let's us know with his references to "personal responsibility" that although he's a brother he expects people to be accountable for their lives and choices.  Even if you're put off by the lecturing tone it still adds up to, you better do for self. 

But what plagues us daily is the lack of healthy love for ourselves and one another.  I emphasize "healthy" because there are all kinds of love that aren't good for anybody.  You know the saying that "not everything that feels good to you is good for you."  That said, I think if we made love our priority we would start to lose so much of the self-defeating behaviors that we struggle with on the daily.  Things like not supporting Black-owned businesses because you feel their prices are too high or their customer service is inferior but then spend with people that are rude and charge the same for their products.  Love has a way of clarifying what matters and what to let go.  Our lack of self-love gets acted out in so many ways it would be hard to list, but you all know my point.  Perhaps if their was sufficient love we'd stop wishing, imagining, reminiscing, hoping and dreaming about the day when things will be right.  You know how it is when you're in the throes of romantic love and you do whatever it takes to make your beloved happy, safe and at peace.  It's my belief that transforming our communities throughout this country could be easier than we think.  Now I know it may sound overly romantic and simplistic to some, but love is in fact transformative and just as essential as oxygen.  And most of all, love is about action.  Yes, there are politics, laws and cultural attitudes that persist and try to prevent us from having strong viable communities that are self-regulated and autonomous.  But just as Malcom X asked, "they're doing what they're supposed to be doing, are we doing what we're supposed to be doing?".  And what we're supposed to be doing is loving ourselves and each other enough to change just a fraction of the madness.

Love is simple, hard, complicated and most of all it's about work.  And I think the most basic, elemental and necessary work will begin once we've decided to love one another again.