I hung out in the house yesterday while the NYC marathoners whizzed down my block as I held down some domestic duties and caught up on some blog talk radio shows that I'd recently missed . Blogger Deborrah Cooper's, "Ask Heartbeat" show is a favorite of mine and never disappoints with critical analysis and investigation of all dating matters with a mature and wise perspective. She has bite and is often controversial, but is a clear voice and unapologetic advocate for women. I enjoy that show a lot and she had Steven James Dixon, author of "Men Don't Heal, We HO...The Emotional Instability Of Men" on to talk about men and their emotional lives, or I should say the lack thereof.
Now I'm often a little skeptical of all these self-proclaimed "relationship experts". I mean what exactly qualifies someone to be an expert on relationships? There's no college degree or certification program or years of professional experience that I know of to make someone qualify. But this brother brought it and I was so glad to listen. He chatted for about an hour about his personal journey to become successful in relationships and marriage just as he was in his business life. He opened up about the emotional emptiness a lot of men have and how they don't allow themselves to feel or are even able to recognize emotions in their mate. What he also focused on, for once, was the responsibility of leadership that falls on men in relationships. There's a lot of talk about women submitting to their husbands, but not a lot of talk about what's required of men beyond "provide and protect". He went as far as to say that the success of the relationship falls on the leadership of the man. I liked that. It was a paradigm shift since so much of what's said in the black community about relationships is directed towards women about "how to keep a man" and it challenged me personally to think further about the role of men in relationships and marriage (in an emotional dimension).
He even ended the show by saying that men know what to do, they know how to treat a woman, they just choose not to. His honesty made him real and 3-dimensional, not just some brother with a bunch of slogans and half-macho cliches about manhood and marriage. Simply put, it was real talk. He wants to see more successful marriages and encourages men especially to speak positively about marriage. That has always bothered me, the way many men blast marriage and talk about it so negatively that I've often wondered about the message they send to younger brothers regarding married life. (Yet it's funny how married men outlive single men and enjoy better health.) It was especially refreshing and timely since I just blogged a few weeks ago about the very issue of men dealing with their own emotional issues and expectations in relationships and to get some of this focus off of what black women need to do. Now here's a book brothers can buy, read and think about with their own introspection in mind. We all mature at a different pace but I've always believed it's never too late to grow up so I plan to order this book for a few men I know as they get ready for a new year and hope they'll explore and discover some things about themselves as we all try to grow and be better.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
The Mid-Term Elections
Alright today is the "referendum" on President Obama's job performance in the last 19 months. Is this really a referendum on his accomplishments or on how comfortable America is with a black man as their political leader? Because when we look at what he has accomplished in the last 19 months he got the hotly contested health care legislation through, stimulus money that saved jobs, stabilized the auto industry, put 2 women on The Supreme Court, legislated financial reform with a host of consumer protections and lowered our taxes. Now some things he didn't score high on like: Guantanamo Bay, the handling of the BP disaster, the increased military presence in Afghanistan and not abandoning the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy.
He took office with all the problems we're all painfully aware of and stopped our economy from dropping off the cliff. He has done an admirable and careful job and is a smart and judicious leader in my opinion. But let's examine the Tea Party and their ridiculousness. Their wanting to "take back America ". Take it back from whom? I can remember when the healthcare legislation was enacted many Tea Partiers said they didn't want any help from the government. By the looks of these people they needed as much help as they could get with their one tooth dangling in the wind. They should only hope that dental was included in our nationalized health care. But they seemed to express that the healthcare reform was all about a new kind of "welfare" for the minorities and immigrants to get free shit on the backs of hard working white Americans, the "true Americans". This rhetoric keeps coming up with their insistence that our president is a socialist and the constant insults and attacks on his legitimacy as our commander in chief. Now the right has gained real political momentum as they hide behind the fact that the unemployment rate is still high. Did people really think that job creation was gonna be a magic trick? Presto you're employed. No. They're using people's dissatisfication with the pace of the economic recovery to stir their basicly racist political agenda that never promotes any solid economic plans but to cut taxes. And I say racist political agenda because they don't want anyone who doesn't look like them to do well when all Americans want the same things: safe drug-free neighborhoods, financial security and good schools for their children.
There's the undeniable sense that these people view the ascendancy of a black man to the white house as white people losing control over "their" country and all these "others" taking over. The right screamed and hollered about the stimulus plan and now economists are saying that the problem was that it was probably too little. Reminds me of the little street adage that "it takes money to make money". Meanwhile the banks have stabilized and money is slowly circulating again. But he gets no credit for that all the while the media gave all its energy to Sarah Palin and the brewing anger. Yeah people should be angry and even a little at our president if they want, but get a grip. He didn't create this mess and he's done a hell of job managing all this crap left behind from "the incompetent one". And there's the overtly ignored record unemployment that African Americans are suffering with and the increasing ranks of the poor while all the attention goes to "saving the middle class". And what's the really crazy part is that the Republican party, over the last 30 years since Reagan, has been able to dupe poor and working class whites into believeing that they share anything with the wealthy elites. The only thing they share is skin color and we're seeing just how strong a unifier that can be. These Tea Partiers are complaining about social welfare when they should be complaing about "wealthfare" and all the tax breaks and protections the wealthy get.
It still confounds me that the President and his advisors didn't see that this would happen. I've always hoped that he has some old wise black man in his corner to school him about some things that he didn't learn at Columbia and Harvard. Things that Rahm Emanuel couldn't or wouldn't tell him. If these elections turn out to be a disaster for the Democrats in the House and Senate, then I hope he'll use a different kind of political and social wisdom to prepare for the next 2-year fight of his life. When you're black, it's not enough to be smart, talented and the best one for the job. You always need a strong dose of "mother's wit", courage, street smarts, fire and a "ride or die" approach to accomplish anything.
He took office with all the problems we're all painfully aware of and stopped our economy from dropping off the cliff. He has done an admirable and careful job and is a smart and judicious leader in my opinion. But let's examine the Tea Party and their ridiculousness. Their wanting to "take back America ". Take it back from whom? I can remember when the healthcare legislation was enacted many Tea Partiers said they didn't want any help from the government. By the looks of these people they needed as much help as they could get with their one tooth dangling in the wind. They should only hope that dental was included in our nationalized health care. But they seemed to express that the healthcare reform was all about a new kind of "welfare" for the minorities and immigrants to get free shit on the backs of hard working white Americans, the "true Americans". This rhetoric keeps coming up with their insistence that our president is a socialist and the constant insults and attacks on his legitimacy as our commander in chief. Now the right has gained real political momentum as they hide behind the fact that the unemployment rate is still high. Did people really think that job creation was gonna be a magic trick? Presto you're employed. No. They're using people's dissatisfication with the pace of the economic recovery to stir their basicly racist political agenda that never promotes any solid economic plans but to cut taxes. And I say racist political agenda because they don't want anyone who doesn't look like them to do well when all Americans want the same things: safe drug-free neighborhoods, financial security and good schools for their children.
There's the undeniable sense that these people view the ascendancy of a black man to the white house as white people losing control over "their" country and all these "others" taking over. The right screamed and hollered about the stimulus plan and now economists are saying that the problem was that it was probably too little. Reminds me of the little street adage that "it takes money to make money". Meanwhile the banks have stabilized and money is slowly circulating again. But he gets no credit for that all the while the media gave all its energy to Sarah Palin and the brewing anger. Yeah people should be angry and even a little at our president if they want, but get a grip. He didn't create this mess and he's done a hell of job managing all this crap left behind from "the incompetent one". And there's the overtly ignored record unemployment that African Americans are suffering with and the increasing ranks of the poor while all the attention goes to "saving the middle class". And what's the really crazy part is that the Republican party, over the last 30 years since Reagan, has been able to dupe poor and working class whites into believeing that they share anything with the wealthy elites. The only thing they share is skin color and we're seeing just how strong a unifier that can be. These Tea Partiers are complaining about social welfare when they should be complaing about "wealthfare" and all the tax breaks and protections the wealthy get.
It still confounds me that the President and his advisors didn't see that this would happen. I've always hoped that he has some old wise black man in his corner to school him about some things that he didn't learn at Columbia and Harvard. Things that Rahm Emanuel couldn't or wouldn't tell him. If these elections turn out to be a disaster for the Democrats in the House and Senate, then I hope he'll use a different kind of political and social wisdom to prepare for the next 2-year fight of his life. When you're black, it's not enough to be smart, talented and the best one for the job. You always need a strong dose of "mother's wit", courage, street smarts, fire and a "ride or die" approach to accomplish anything.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
What's Going On?
I owe Essence Magazine an apology for some of my last post. They actually put out a special Hair Issue and also did the October issue which was heavy on political food for us to eat for the mid-term election cycle. I'm actually glad I was wrong and found good reporting still alive and well in our only high-circulation black women's mag. My sentiments about their website and magazine articles that lately offer celebrity heavy content and too much fluff are still valid criticisms though.
Now on to what's been on my mind lately. Has anyone noticed the rage and venom at black women in the blogosphere? I admit I was shocked and found the comments put forth in cyber-space about sisters from "brothers" to be jarring. I put brothers in quotes because it got me to wondering, if someone says such openly vicious things about you, especially to the world, can you still consider these individuals brothers? I mean family means a lot but I don't think anyone should allow anyone to step on their self-esteem, call them out their name and wish them nothing but hell. And I do mean the attacks are intended to crush the self-esteem of sisters, they're not just venting angrily. Then there's all the blame and responsibility that gets dumped on black women that's unreal. How do we describe these black men today? What kind of language can I use to describe them when many of us want to hold on to the idea that we are all brothers and sisters stuggling together. Is that corny and cliched in our crazy modern world? Or are we all just black people with a common history? I've read some postings where black men actually see black women as their ultimate enemy. And all this is going on in the time that we have a black President sided by his elegant and beautiful black queen. I was just shocked. I want to know more about these men and what their experiences have been.
Their resentment is so palpable. Is it possible that many of them as black men in a society that still degrades and disrepects them (even towards our in-office President) see black women as a threat to some control they did, and still do, exercise. The black woman has been the one person a black man did have some control over in America, but with black women outpacing black men in education and income are they left feeling especially angry? Now to be clear, this question pertains to the black men I've referenced in the blogosphere and the ones who share their rage, not to all black men. Let me state there are great black men that are encouraging and striving to create better opportunities for themselves and aren't sittin in a corner somewhere mad at sisters. But is there such a thing as black male privilege? And are they feeling that they're losing some of it? Just asking.
And yes, I've grown a little tired of the recent spate of black relationship books that only address black women and what they need to know and do to get a black man. (granted most self-help books are geared to the female book buyer) But come on, it's like brothers don't have any inner and outer work to do. We can all roll up our sleeps and start dealing with mountains of stuff but all the books deal with the work women should do rather than on how black men individually and together with women need healing and honest dialogue as a start. (The Conversation by Hill Harper talks to the duo but not to brothers alone) Are brothers being let off the hook from the inner emotional work they badly need to do only so we'll end up with a large pool of black women a little more enlightened and ready for a realtionship than brothers who just sit by waiting to be picked? (Hint, suggestion to Steve Harvey for his next book)
Now on to what's been on my mind lately. Has anyone noticed the rage and venom at black women in the blogosphere? I admit I was shocked and found the comments put forth in cyber-space about sisters from "brothers" to be jarring. I put brothers in quotes because it got me to wondering, if someone says such openly vicious things about you, especially to the world, can you still consider these individuals brothers? I mean family means a lot but I don't think anyone should allow anyone to step on their self-esteem, call them out their name and wish them nothing but hell. And I do mean the attacks are intended to crush the self-esteem of sisters, they're not just venting angrily. Then there's all the blame and responsibility that gets dumped on black women that's unreal. How do we describe these black men today? What kind of language can I use to describe them when many of us want to hold on to the idea that we are all brothers and sisters stuggling together. Is that corny and cliched in our crazy modern world? Or are we all just black people with a common history? I've read some postings where black men actually see black women as their ultimate enemy. And all this is going on in the time that we have a black President sided by his elegant and beautiful black queen. I was just shocked. I want to know more about these men and what their experiences have been.
Their resentment is so palpable. Is it possible that many of them as black men in a society that still degrades and disrepects them (even towards our in-office President) see black women as a threat to some control they did, and still do, exercise. The black woman has been the one person a black man did have some control over in America, but with black women outpacing black men in education and income are they left feeling especially angry? Now to be clear, this question pertains to the black men I've referenced in the blogosphere and the ones who share their rage, not to all black men. Let me state there are great black men that are encouraging and striving to create better opportunities for themselves and aren't sittin in a corner somewhere mad at sisters. But is there such a thing as black male privilege? And are they feeling that they're losing some of it? Just asking.
And yes, I've grown a little tired of the recent spate of black relationship books that only address black women and what they need to know and do to get a black man. (granted most self-help books are geared to the female book buyer) But come on, it's like brothers don't have any inner and outer work to do. We can all roll up our sleeps and start dealing with mountains of stuff but all the books deal with the work women should do rather than on how black men individually and together with women need healing and honest dialogue as a start. (The Conversation by Hill Harper talks to the duo but not to brothers alone) Are brothers being let off the hook from the inner emotional work they badly need to do only so we'll end up with a large pool of black women a little more enlightened and ready for a realtionship than brothers who just sit by waiting to be picked? (Hint, suggestion to Steve Harvey for his next book)
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
The Modern Digital Culture: A Win or a Loss?
Has anyone taken notice of the youth culture today and how it has started to permeate the rest of our world. I got my latest issue of Essence in the mail the other day and couldn't help but be disappointed that the entire issue was dedicated to all things about black hair. Hairstyles, hair maintenance, hair politics. I was too through. The midterm elections are coming up on our asses and the house and senate may easily go Republican and the premiere magazine for black women is talking about hair.
Hey I'm a black woman and I know the hair struggle well. But there's got to be more to talk about right now instead of wasting valuable space talking about wigs and weaves. I made reference to the youth culture earlier because I think this is mostly a by-product of today's image-obsessed youth culture. Everything has to do with fashion and celebrity and what "she's" wearing. Young women focus on this a little too much to me now a day. Not that many young women (18-33) aren't out here doing their thing and making us proud, there's just a hyper-focus on all things external. There's a definite change in the attitudes about status, community, success and responsibility. For one thing, everybody thinks they're a fuckin star. It's like the saying, "when everyone is special, no one is." Most of us need to fix and build our self-esteem on the daily, but it's OK not to be so damned self-obsessed too. And really, to be special you have to do something special. Not just be "fly". There's a balance to all things in life and a time to have fun and indulge in all kinds of things from the silly to the sublime. It should all helps us grow in different ways. But to be over-committed to transient things that don't really improve our condition or contribute to one's inidividual or group development isn't a help overall either.
Also the digital era has made everything so remote, people are encouraged to air every inner thought out on the web. I mean really, go and get yourself somebody to talk to, not text to. Twittering about every stupid detail in your life to the world is some dumb-ass, self-important shit to me. And I'm seeing too many grown-ass people addressing issues on Facebook that need to be done face-to-face. Interpersonal communication has damn sure suffered. I say all this on a blog site that I indeed created, but things that are personal and need to be handled directly aren't for the web and I know and realize this. The web can be a great tool for information and connection, but it's all in how you use it and to what degree. You know the saying about candy being good, but too much will give you a cavity.
It feels like too many of our sisters are being inundated with images of Lindsay Lohan, Lady Gaga and Rihanna and taking their cues from them on how to walk in this world. It's troubling that Essence has seemed to have fallen off the cliff with the rest of the culture and over-dosed on the celebrity, fashion trend obsessions. Has anyone taken a look at their website lately? Full of fluff and bull sh**. There used to be more substance. I don't know who to be mad at? I mean the news media is less about news and is far more biased and subjective than ever before. Information is now little more than opinion, and bloggers are being considered part of the media. But I always saw Essence magazine as a news source and a refuge from all the crap out there. Now I can't even relate to it anymore. The constant texting, opinion based, gotta reveal every inane detail of my life on twitter or facebook society I'm now trapped in leaves me lost, sad and hungry. Wonder what'll be the antidote to this current state of affairs.
Hey I'm a black woman and I know the hair struggle well. But there's got to be more to talk about right now instead of wasting valuable space talking about wigs and weaves. I made reference to the youth culture earlier because I think this is mostly a by-product of today's image-obsessed youth culture. Everything has to do with fashion and celebrity and what "she's" wearing. Young women focus on this a little too much to me now a day. Not that many young women (18-33) aren't out here doing their thing and making us proud, there's just a hyper-focus on all things external. There's a definite change in the attitudes about status, community, success and responsibility. For one thing, everybody thinks they're a fuckin star. It's like the saying, "when everyone is special, no one is." Most of us need to fix and build our self-esteem on the daily, but it's OK not to be so damned self-obsessed too. And really, to be special you have to do something special. Not just be "fly". There's a balance to all things in life and a time to have fun and indulge in all kinds of things from the silly to the sublime. It should all helps us grow in different ways. But to be over-committed to transient things that don't really improve our condition or contribute to one's inidividual or group development isn't a help overall either.
Also the digital era has made everything so remote, people are encouraged to air every inner thought out on the web. I mean really, go and get yourself somebody to talk to, not text to. Twittering about every stupid detail in your life to the world is some dumb-ass, self-important shit to me. And I'm seeing too many grown-ass people addressing issues on Facebook that need to be done face-to-face. Interpersonal communication has damn sure suffered. I say all this on a blog site that I indeed created, but things that are personal and need to be handled directly aren't for the web and I know and realize this. The web can be a great tool for information and connection, but it's all in how you use it and to what degree. You know the saying about candy being good, but too much will give you a cavity.
It feels like too many of our sisters are being inundated with images of Lindsay Lohan, Lady Gaga and Rihanna and taking their cues from them on how to walk in this world. It's troubling that Essence has seemed to have fallen off the cliff with the rest of the culture and over-dosed on the celebrity, fashion trend obsessions. Has anyone taken a look at their website lately? Full of fluff and bull sh**. There used to be more substance. I don't know who to be mad at? I mean the news media is less about news and is far more biased and subjective than ever before. Information is now little more than opinion, and bloggers are being considered part of the media. But I always saw Essence magazine as a news source and a refuge from all the crap out there. Now I can't even relate to it anymore. The constant texting, opinion based, gotta reveal every inane detail of my life on twitter or facebook society I'm now trapped in leaves me lost, sad and hungry. Wonder what'll be the antidote to this current state of affairs.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Is America Really Ready For A Black President?
As we're facing the 2-year anniversary of that monumental presidential election, I've been looking back at how we've handled some societal growing pains, or better, how we've avoided them. Has anyone been noticing the casual racist comments and answers to innocuous, harmless questions by white males lately. Veteran Bristish rocker, Robert Plant, referred to R&B music as "spook music" in a routine question on The Today Show when asked about his musical influences back in September. He, who has made a great deal of fortune and fame from African American music, thought nothing of casually throwing around this repugnant term. The interviewer, who didn't even appear shocked and follow up with a question for him to explain what he meant, went on like nothing strange was just said. And of course he made no statement of apology because he was never challenged or questioned about his comment, so he went on with his day. Then recently Mr. Rick Sanchez lost his job with CNN after spewing some venom about about Jon Stewart and Jewish people in the media. But people may forget that he referred to Barack Obama as "the cotton-picking President" not too long ago. He later apologized and went on with his day.
Does anyone remember the comment by CBS news anchor Dan Rather on the The Chris Matthews Show back in the spring. He was discussing Obama's healthcare reform and his ability to get things done when he said "Obama couldn't sell watermelons if it, you gave him the state troopers to flag down the traffic." He also later apologized and went about his day.
And let's not forget Rock musician, John Mayer, who made a jack-ass of himself in Playboy last spring with his comments about his "nigger pass" rather than it being a "hood pass" and his unattraction to black women. The second part of his offensive remarks were about John Mayer trying to be ironic and witty as he stupidly made reference to his little package as a "David Duke D***". The short of it was-he's not attracted to black women. OK. Like sisters are home heartbroken cause his punk a** ain't checking for them. But I was a little taken aback because he's been the undisputed King of Girlie Rock for the last 8 years or so making very lyrically sensitive, mature music. Yet, he showed us his true feelings with his disrespect for black people. This after the interviewer commented, with some curiousity, about all the love he's gotten from black fans. Hmmm. He took some flack, mostly kept his mouth shut and went on about his day. And now he's doing commercials with Jay-Z selling something, I can't even remember what cause I change the channel whenever its on. Remember the LeBron James media fiasco that truly got on my nerves but clearly made some people more than a little irate. He was in fact treated like a runaway slave by the Cavalier's owner in that ridiculous, bitter letter and to some extent by the sports media that villified a generally classy young man who dared to exercise his power as a brand and product.
And I would be remiss if I failed to mention talk-radio's Dr. Laura Schlessinger and her angry, ignorant ass with her on-air attack of a black woman married to a white man asking for advice on how to handle racism in her own home. Needless to say the caller should know how to handle some bullsh** like that, but okay she called Dr. Laura and wanted to know what to do. Instead of Dr. Laura giving her a calm clinical answer, she goes on a racial rant full of diatribes and insults that were personal and political. She couldn't even handle a question from a black woman dealing with white racism so she starts to attack the NAACP, defiantly repeats the word "nigger" over and over, and cites comics on HBO who use the word "nigger" as if that excused these people in the caller's story who were disrespecting her, and her husband who didn't know how to be a man and speak up for his wife in his own home.
My theory is this: Yes we have the first Black President because of the perfect storm of economic events that made Barack Hussein Obama the only rational choice. And yes, many, many white people voted for him. It was monumental and many of us still have to pinch ourselves. But I think these recent, openly racist casual comments from musicians to journalists leave me feeling that many, many people (mostly white males) are subconsciously, and consciously, showing just how uncomfortable they are with the president of the free world being a black man. I don't think these many statements all within, say 6 months, have ever been so flagrant and constant. The Village Voice's recent cover story entitled "White America Has Lost Its Mind" by Steven Thrasher, was primarily focused on the conservative movement, Fox News, the tea party and the billionaire Koch Brothers. But I'm thinking some of this is more spread out and not just concentrated among the extreme right. There has always been this aversion to discussing race openly and honestly, even as we have a black president in office. It's as if white America feels like we voted for him so let's stop all this talk about racism. It's over, the reparations are paid, now move on. So there's no substantive conversation about race and racism. Nobody I know is buying that post-racial crap, so let's get on with the real dialogue, please. Just as the cavalier, racist, and just plain stupid statements highlighted earlier received a quick tongue lashing or moment of head scratching, or in Robert Plant's case not even a follow-up question, no one wants to use any of this as a jump off for some real conversations about race and racism in a country with a long violent history in its regards to non-white people. Even the tea partiers with their nasty Obama signs, the anti-brown immigration law in Arizona and the raucous protests over the Islamic Cultural Center near ground zero, which many people don't know was once the Muslim center of NYC, all have me very uncomfortable and should indicate to our many media outlets that we could use a nationally-televised conversation about race from many perspectives. If they can interrupt regular tv programming for Tiger Woods to talk about his broken marriage and mea culpa for being a cheating husband, why can't CNN or even MTV dedicate 2 hours to look at where we've come and where we are in what Tavis Smiley calls "the most multi-racial, multi-ethnic and multi-religious America ever."
Does anyone remember the comment by CBS news anchor Dan Rather on the The Chris Matthews Show back in the spring. He was discussing Obama's healthcare reform and his ability to get things done when he said "Obama couldn't sell watermelons if it, you gave him the state troopers to flag down the traffic." He also later apologized and went about his day.
And let's not forget Rock musician, John Mayer, who made a jack-ass of himself in Playboy last spring with his comments about his "nigger pass" rather than it being a "hood pass" and his unattraction to black women. The second part of his offensive remarks were about John Mayer trying to be ironic and witty as he stupidly made reference to his little package as a "David Duke D***". The short of it was-he's not attracted to black women. OK. Like sisters are home heartbroken cause his punk a** ain't checking for them. But I was a little taken aback because he's been the undisputed King of Girlie Rock for the last 8 years or so making very lyrically sensitive, mature music. Yet, he showed us his true feelings with his disrespect for black people. This after the interviewer commented, with some curiousity, about all the love he's gotten from black fans. Hmmm. He took some flack, mostly kept his mouth shut and went on about his day. And now he's doing commercials with Jay-Z selling something, I can't even remember what cause I change the channel whenever its on. Remember the LeBron James media fiasco that truly got on my nerves but clearly made some people more than a little irate. He was in fact treated like a runaway slave by the Cavalier's owner in that ridiculous, bitter letter and to some extent by the sports media that villified a generally classy young man who dared to exercise his power as a brand and product.
And I would be remiss if I failed to mention talk-radio's Dr. Laura Schlessinger and her angry, ignorant ass with her on-air attack of a black woman married to a white man asking for advice on how to handle racism in her own home. Needless to say the caller should know how to handle some bullsh** like that, but okay she called Dr. Laura and wanted to know what to do. Instead of Dr. Laura giving her a calm clinical answer, she goes on a racial rant full of diatribes and insults that were personal and political. She couldn't even handle a question from a black woman dealing with white racism so she starts to attack the NAACP, defiantly repeats the word "nigger" over and over, and cites comics on HBO who use the word "nigger" as if that excused these people in the caller's story who were disrespecting her, and her husband who didn't know how to be a man and speak up for his wife in his own home.
My theory is this: Yes we have the first Black President because of the perfect storm of economic events that made Barack Hussein Obama the only rational choice. And yes, many, many white people voted for him. It was monumental and many of us still have to pinch ourselves. But I think these recent, openly racist casual comments from musicians to journalists leave me feeling that many, many people (mostly white males) are subconsciously, and consciously, showing just how uncomfortable they are with the president of the free world being a black man. I don't think these many statements all within, say 6 months, have ever been so flagrant and constant. The Village Voice's recent cover story entitled "White America Has Lost Its Mind" by Steven Thrasher, was primarily focused on the conservative movement, Fox News, the tea party and the billionaire Koch Brothers. But I'm thinking some of this is more spread out and not just concentrated among the extreme right. There has always been this aversion to discussing race openly and honestly, even as we have a black president in office. It's as if white America feels like we voted for him so let's stop all this talk about racism. It's over, the reparations are paid, now move on. So there's no substantive conversation about race and racism. Nobody I know is buying that post-racial crap, so let's get on with the real dialogue, please. Just as the cavalier, racist, and just plain stupid statements highlighted earlier received a quick tongue lashing or moment of head scratching, or in Robert Plant's case not even a follow-up question, no one wants to use any of this as a jump off for some real conversations about race and racism in a country with a long violent history in its regards to non-white people. Even the tea partiers with their nasty Obama signs, the anti-brown immigration law in Arizona and the raucous protests over the Islamic Cultural Center near ground zero, which many people don't know was once the Muslim center of NYC, all have me very uncomfortable and should indicate to our many media outlets that we could use a nationally-televised conversation about race from many perspectives. If they can interrupt regular tv programming for Tiger Woods to talk about his broken marriage and mea culpa for being a cheating husband, why can't CNN or even MTV dedicate 2 hours to look at where we've come and where we are in what Tavis Smiley calls "the most multi-racial, multi-ethnic and multi-religious America ever."
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Why Bishop Eddie Long Will Never Step Down
By now we've all heard about the salacious allegations against Bishop Eddie Long. He is still innocent until proven guilty I'd like to first state. However, he's not presenting a strong case for his own credibility. The victims allege sexual coercion, gifts and trips by the leader of a 25,000 member church that's worth $50 million. He should have strongly, quickly and on camera made his innocence known. And his statement before his church family on Sunday wasn't too compelling and was very carefully crafted. He seems to see himself as a media victim and the target of a witch hunt.
Now here's why I wasn't too shocked and why the bishop will not be stepping down now or any time soon. He is a black Baptist preacher and the leader of a 25,000 member mega church. He's a millionaire and enjoys the adulation and damn near worship of thousands of people. In our community, he's what many would describe as a rock star. The black community has a long church tradition and it's still a revered institution politically, economically and morally. But black preachers enjoy a great deal of power and prestige from one of the few free black institutions in this country. We see people all the time fall into pastor worship instead of God worship. I've often wondered if it's because he may be one of the few sober-minded men that people (mostly women) see on a regular basis in a position of leadership. They forget that he's flesh too. We all need to remember this before we put our pastors and spiritual leaders on a pedestal.
Let me expound a little further on how I feel many of our pastors are treated like rock stars. Rock stars have groupies. We've all seen them in church on Sundays. The women (and men) who dress a little too provocative and smile and just have to shake pastor's hand at the end of service. They're there on the spot to fill his water glass, take care of his mail, move his car, whatever. They seem to feed off of his every gesture and want nothing more than to catch some of his glow. Then there's the accountability issue. Rock stars are only really accountable to their fans. In this case the fans are the church members, and Bishop Eddie Long will only have to appease them and he'll probably still preach from the pulpit on Sunday mornings. Then there's the money. He lives a very comfortable, one could even say a plush life (i.e. The Bentley) that he openly flaunts. How would a man leave all that behind easily? And of course there's the position he holds in the community. He is respected and not just tolerated like most black men in America are. He had former US presidents attend his church as he funeralized our beloved, Coretta Scott King. That's no small thing. How does a black man leave all that prestige, respect, independence and money behind? He doesn't. At least not easily or without a serious fight. The white minister, Tim Haggard, who was outted last year amid his scandal eventually stepped down not long after it hit the news. I don't think we'll see this happen with Bishop Long because as a black man with that kind of power he won't walk away that easily. Only time will tell how this all plays out legally and with his flock, but I'm betting he ain't going no where anytime soon.
No matter your religious affiliation lets pray for healing and real talk on the issues surrounding this sad mess and how we can move forward as a community. The bible, the church, homosexuality, redemption, political correctness, young men without fathers in their lives, are all topics that need to be explored around this scandal. What kinds of checks and balances should be in place for pastors who abuse their power and how to get them the help they need. Many pastors listen to and counsel church members all the time and may not have the requisite training to do this heavy psychological work. And who do they talk to when they're burdens are too heavy and they need to process all that stuff? One of the saddest things in all of this is how so many people will criticize the church and discount all the good it does. There are a lot of people who see the church as a refuge, a place to share and fellowship and source of strength. I pray that faith isn't lost in some of the flaws, the charismatic personalities and the work yet to be done.
Now here's why I wasn't too shocked and why the bishop will not be stepping down now or any time soon. He is a black Baptist preacher and the leader of a 25,000 member mega church. He's a millionaire and enjoys the adulation and damn near worship of thousands of people. In our community, he's what many would describe as a rock star. The black community has a long church tradition and it's still a revered institution politically, economically and morally. But black preachers enjoy a great deal of power and prestige from one of the few free black institutions in this country. We see people all the time fall into pastor worship instead of God worship. I've often wondered if it's because he may be one of the few sober-minded men that people (mostly women) see on a regular basis in a position of leadership. They forget that he's flesh too. We all need to remember this before we put our pastors and spiritual leaders on a pedestal.
Let me expound a little further on how I feel many of our pastors are treated like rock stars. Rock stars have groupies. We've all seen them in church on Sundays. The women (and men) who dress a little too provocative and smile and just have to shake pastor's hand at the end of service. They're there on the spot to fill his water glass, take care of his mail, move his car, whatever. They seem to feed off of his every gesture and want nothing more than to catch some of his glow. Then there's the accountability issue. Rock stars are only really accountable to their fans. In this case the fans are the church members, and Bishop Eddie Long will only have to appease them and he'll probably still preach from the pulpit on Sunday mornings. Then there's the money. He lives a very comfortable, one could even say a plush life (i.e. The Bentley) that he openly flaunts. How would a man leave all that behind easily? And of course there's the position he holds in the community. He is respected and not just tolerated like most black men in America are. He had former US presidents attend his church as he funeralized our beloved, Coretta Scott King. That's no small thing. How does a black man leave all that prestige, respect, independence and money behind? He doesn't. At least not easily or without a serious fight. The white minister, Tim Haggard, who was outted last year amid his scandal eventually stepped down not long after it hit the news. I don't think we'll see this happen with Bishop Long because as a black man with that kind of power he won't walk away that easily. Only time will tell how this all plays out legally and with his flock, but I'm betting he ain't going no where anytime soon.
No matter your religious affiliation lets pray for healing and real talk on the issues surrounding this sad mess and how we can move forward as a community. The bible, the church, homosexuality, redemption, political correctness, young men without fathers in their lives, are all topics that need to be explored around this scandal. What kinds of checks and balances should be in place for pastors who abuse their power and how to get them the help they need. Many pastors listen to and counsel church members all the time and may not have the requisite training to do this heavy psychological work. And who do they talk to when they're burdens are too heavy and they need to process all that stuff? One of the saddest things in all of this is how so many people will criticize the church and discount all the good it does. There are a lot of people who see the church as a refuge, a place to share and fellowship and source of strength. I pray that faith isn't lost in some of the flaws, the charismatic personalities and the work yet to be done.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Black Films We're Not Going To See
I watched a sweet, mature, romantic film about a 30-something, professional black couple last night. "Not Easily Broken" was directed by the industry veteran, Bill Duke, and produced by the powerful preacher Bishop TD Jakes. It dealt with a young couple that loses its way in careers, money, negative influences, changing gender roles and just everyday life. They faced each other and themselves, and then got to working on their marriage. Now this wasn't a perfect movie, but it was a grown-up movie about a successful, normal, married black couple. Something we don't see everyday, on the small screen or on the big screen. No gimmicks and silliness. No men in drag. Just relatable people trying to pick up the pieces of a failing marriage and turn the relationship around. I thought it was topical and honest. The characters had interracial friendships and attractions. Let's face it, America has changed and is changing and this needs to be reflected in our cinema. You saw middle class blacks wanting to leave behind their brothers and sisters in the hood so they could buy into the American dream. We know them too. We saw black on black violence between black men, the cycle of fatherless homes, and generaltional hurt get broken with honest discussion and self-relection. That was plain beautiful to see. I regret that I didn't make it to the theatre to see it when it was in theatres but greateful that I picked it up on the video rack at Duane Reade. Now my question is, why didn't more of us go see this when it was in the movies? My only hope now is that we'll have viewing parties with friends and discuss the issues presented in the film.
Another great, but small recent film was "Akeelah And The Bee". I was happy and elated in the theatre when the credits rolled at the end of this sweet movie. A young black girl dealing with the death of her dad and an overworked and frustrated mother lets her bright light shine for the first time, and goes all the way to win the Scripps National Spelling Bee. I loved that movie and was happy to pay the $11 to see it and felt strongly that every black parent should take their child to see it.
And I would be remiss if I failed to list Spike Lee's, "The Miracle At St. Anna". Not only one of the best films of 2008, and sorely overlooked for any Oscar nods, but most importantly we didn't go see it when it was released. I personally had to see it because the trailers had me open and my father actually served in WWII. But I remember not feeling good about how so few people were in the theatre with me on that Saturday about 2 years ago. The emotionally powerful and historically significant story about black men fighting in Europe when they couldn't vote in the US, led me to research and ask more questions about the stories of black servicemen during WWII. ( My dad passed in 1980) I'd read about Spike's struggle for financing and how Italian businessmen came to support the creation of this story that needed to be told. And my question again, why didn't we feel the need to support and see a powerful story about strong black men?
We can't complain and kick our feet when we see all this crap and lies about who we are on the screen when we don't take our children to see valuable, uplifting stories that make us think. I've often thought about how the movies and shows we overwhelmingly support tend to be comedies. Always gotta laugh, but can we handle anything serious sometimes if its not wrapped in old stereotypes and buffoonery. The imagery matters. I can't always make it to see every movie, good or otherwise, about black people. But I value my mind not to see something that tears down the mental strength and valiant work of black people, and to support movies and artists that offer complexity, honesty and cultural pride.
Another great, but small recent film was "Akeelah And The Bee". I was happy and elated in the theatre when the credits rolled at the end of this sweet movie. A young black girl dealing with the death of her dad and an overworked and frustrated mother lets her bright light shine for the first time, and goes all the way to win the Scripps National Spelling Bee. I loved that movie and was happy to pay the $11 to see it and felt strongly that every black parent should take their child to see it.
And I would be remiss if I failed to list Spike Lee's, "The Miracle At St. Anna". Not only one of the best films of 2008, and sorely overlooked for any Oscar nods, but most importantly we didn't go see it when it was released. I personally had to see it because the trailers had me open and my father actually served in WWII. But I remember not feeling good about how so few people were in the theatre with me on that Saturday about 2 years ago. The emotionally powerful and historically significant story about black men fighting in Europe when they couldn't vote in the US, led me to research and ask more questions about the stories of black servicemen during WWII. ( My dad passed in 1980) I'd read about Spike's struggle for financing and how Italian businessmen came to support the creation of this story that needed to be told. And my question again, why didn't we feel the need to support and see a powerful story about strong black men?
We can't complain and kick our feet when we see all this crap and lies about who we are on the screen when we don't take our children to see valuable, uplifting stories that make us think. I've often thought about how the movies and shows we overwhelmingly support tend to be comedies. Always gotta laugh, but can we handle anything serious sometimes if its not wrapped in old stereotypes and buffoonery. The imagery matters. I can't always make it to see every movie, good or otherwise, about black people. But I value my mind not to see something that tears down the mental strength and valiant work of black people, and to support movies and artists that offer complexity, honesty and cultural pride.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Black Men: Putting Their Lives On The Line For Their Women and Families
I remember I went to a book signing for Sister Souljah's last book, "Midnight, A Love Story" and she talked about addressing the topic of black men protecting their families in her book. I remember wondering about that particular issue for the first time in a real way. It made me consider some of the recent news stories in the NY metro area that dealt with this issue. There was a couple of Christmases ago when a black father on Long Island shot and killed a young Italian-American male after his son went to a party and got into it with the young man over a young white woman. It ended with the white youth coming to the African American youth's home and being warned to leave by his armed father. A scuffle ensued and ended with a bullet to the head of the white youth. The African-American father was sentenced to10 years in jail for the crime, sadly leaving his family broken and a young man dead. But I recalled that story and why the father was sentenced to such time when drunk drivers get less time for senseless vehicular manslaughter. He wasn't doing anything more than protecting his family and the life of his son. The young white male's acting out of his youthful ignorance and false sense of bravado probably didn't know what he was walking into but when a father demands you to "leave my property" while holding a loaded gun, he should've realized that a real man will do whatever it takes to protect his family. I felt that the justice system could've punished him with a more realistic (lenient) sentence considering the situation he was put in as a father.
Then there was the case of the young Jamaican brother, Yoseph Robinson, who converted to Orthodox Judaism in Brooklyn and died defending his girlfriend in a robbery at MB Vineyards in the Flatbush section. I felt so sad when I read about that story. No one ever tells the story of the brothers who are in prisons for protecting their loved ones or meet an early grave dying for their families honor.
I remember the story I know of from years ago about a teenage couple in Brooklyn. They were young, 17 and 18 years old and new to love. He walked her half-way home after a date because he had to make a run and was late. When she got to her block, a low-life from around the way grabbed her into some bushes and violated her. She got away and ran crying to herboyfriend, she told him what had just happened. In a rage, he got his gun found the man and shot and killed him. This sounds like simple justice to me. But he, at 19 years old, was sentenced to 15 years in prison. Seems like his sense of duty and honor at protecting the safety and well being of his young girlfriend was not even a thought for the sentencing judge who took the best years of a young man's life and gave it to the State of New York. The story goes that she married him in jail and when he got out in his early thirties they married with a beautifully decorated courtyard in the projects where they were from. I heard that neighbors and many residents from around the way who knew their story came out to see the couple finally celebrate their love. That story always leaves a little tear in my eye. Yes, I'm a romantic but these stories are rarely ever told or considered when we talk about our men. To begin with, we rarely discuss, in a sustantial way, what it is to be a man. Not a male, not being masculine, but what it means to be a real man. Manhood is something that gets charicatured by many women in pop culture discussions about men today. A world without men isn't a world I want to live in, no matter how much crap I go through with them. We need each other if we're going to live in a balanced world. I heard a man on a radio show say that he doesn't feel that modern women really respect his role as a man/husband today. He said that if a burglar broke into his home, his only mission would be to get his wife and kids out safely. He said that that alone should make his wife recognize his stature in the home. Now he, by all accounts, knows what it means to be a man so he should get his due respect, honor and recognition.
But I wanna tease out that discussion more fully so that we can understand what in fact is a man as much much for my own edification as for the many young brothers transitioning into adulthood not having a clue what a man is and what a man is not. Many sisters say they want a man but don't really know what one is. Many young men really do want to develop into men, but how, and who will teach them, and what will they teach them. I remember listening to the Steve Harvey Morning Show after his teenage-male mentoring weekend he does in Texas. (Big Ups!!!) It was the Monday morning after the event and a brother about 30 years old called in asked him if he can help him too because he wants to be a man but doesn't know how. I was moved by his candor and desire to get it and grow up. Not just get a job, make money, have women and father some babies. He knew he didn't know and reached out for help.
I think the feminist movement allowed women, and the society as a whole, to examine femininity, women's role and female identity, and just simply what it means to be a woman in all its contexts. There hasn't really been a comprehensive movement for men to do the same. But how do we generate and sustain the conversation on manhood. Not in the context of the dating/relationship frenzy in the black community, but honest old conversation and real talk about one of the toughest, often volatile and misunderstood roles in society - that of being a Black Man.
Much love to all the brothers who get up everyday and try to be better men and find a way to love and protect their families in the midst of chaos, a self-glorifying society and loss of values. I encourage anyone who reads this blog post to offer any thoughts or comments to this discussion.
Be blessed.
Then there was the case of the young Jamaican brother, Yoseph Robinson, who converted to Orthodox Judaism in Brooklyn and died defending his girlfriend in a robbery at MB Vineyards in the Flatbush section. I felt so sad when I read about that story. No one ever tells the story of the brothers who are in prisons for protecting their loved ones or meet an early grave dying for their families honor.
I remember the story I know of from years ago about a teenage couple in Brooklyn. They were young, 17 and 18 years old and new to love. He walked her half-way home after a date because he had to make a run and was late. When she got to her block, a low-life from around the way grabbed her into some bushes and violated her. She got away and ran crying to herboyfriend, she told him what had just happened. In a rage, he got his gun found the man and shot and killed him. This sounds like simple justice to me. But he, at 19 years old, was sentenced to 15 years in prison. Seems like his sense of duty and honor at protecting the safety and well being of his young girlfriend was not even a thought for the sentencing judge who took the best years of a young man's life and gave it to the State of New York. The story goes that she married him in jail and when he got out in his early thirties they married with a beautifully decorated courtyard in the projects where they were from. I heard that neighbors and many residents from around the way who knew their story came out to see the couple finally celebrate their love. That story always leaves a little tear in my eye. Yes, I'm a romantic but these stories are rarely ever told or considered when we talk about our men. To begin with, we rarely discuss, in a sustantial way, what it is to be a man. Not a male, not being masculine, but what it means to be a real man. Manhood is something that gets charicatured by many women in pop culture discussions about men today. A world without men isn't a world I want to live in, no matter how much crap I go through with them. We need each other if we're going to live in a balanced world. I heard a man on a radio show say that he doesn't feel that modern women really respect his role as a man/husband today. He said that if a burglar broke into his home, his only mission would be to get his wife and kids out safely. He said that that alone should make his wife recognize his stature in the home. Now he, by all accounts, knows what it means to be a man so he should get his due respect, honor and recognition.
But I wanna tease out that discussion more fully so that we can understand what in fact is a man as much much for my own edification as for the many young brothers transitioning into adulthood not having a clue what a man is and what a man is not. Many sisters say they want a man but don't really know what one is. Many young men really do want to develop into men, but how, and who will teach them, and what will they teach them. I remember listening to the Steve Harvey Morning Show after his teenage-male mentoring weekend he does in Texas. (Big Ups!!!) It was the Monday morning after the event and a brother about 30 years old called in asked him if he can help him too because he wants to be a man but doesn't know how. I was moved by his candor and desire to get it and grow up. Not just get a job, make money, have women and father some babies. He knew he didn't know and reached out for help.
I think the feminist movement allowed women, and the society as a whole, to examine femininity, women's role and female identity, and just simply what it means to be a woman in all its contexts. There hasn't really been a comprehensive movement for men to do the same. But how do we generate and sustain the conversation on manhood. Not in the context of the dating/relationship frenzy in the black community, but honest old conversation and real talk about one of the toughest, often volatile and misunderstood roles in society - that of being a Black Man.
Much love to all the brothers who get up everyday and try to be better men and find a way to love and protect their families in the midst of chaos, a self-glorifying society and loss of values. I encourage anyone who reads this blog post to offer any thoughts or comments to this discussion.
Be blessed.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Black Women And The New Media Attention
Okay. I've waited long enough to finally put my hat in the ring and share my thoughts about the current state of affairs with Black men and women connecting and making it work and to address the White media's preoccupation with it. First let's get it straight, there are nearly 2 million more black women than men in the US to begin with, so yes there will just be a significant number of unpartnered sisters. Which brings me to my first point, it's all a numbers game. But the bigger question that I don't see too many of us discussing is why is it a numbers game to begin with. To answer this I'll have to go back a little into our recent and distant social history in the US. It's not a mystery that there have been concerted efforts over our history in this society to destroy, if not cripple, the Black community. And the easiest way to accomplish this is to dismantle the family unit. The prison industrial complex and the crack scourge that devastated our community since the early 80's led to the explosive incarceration rates that have greatly affected black men, their minds, ability to work, get an education and take care of themselves and their families, as well as participate in the political process. But mostly this mass incarceration was able to do what slavery, Jim Crow and segregation didn't. It nearly unraveled the bonds and connection that not only existed in blood-related families, but also with our neighbors and "play cousins". My grandmother raised children that were no blood relation to her as many poor people have throughout our history in this country.
Now today in the aftermath of the crack epidemic, that nearly leveled our community and family structure, our values for life, the youth, respect for the elderly, education and just plain old everyday love have fallen by the way side. Now let's talk about how this impacts black men and women dating, relating and connecting. Firstly, I'm not sure there ever was a solid handle on talking to young people honestly about sex and dating, and all the complexities of relationships. I, and many of my peers, were told "just don't get pregnant" without any solid discussions about the landscape of handling sex and intimacy. So I'm not convinced that the basics were ever fully established to sustain healthy, loving relationships and th sexual revolution didn't improve that in my opinion. This was the standard across racial and ethnic lines. Americans have always had an adolescent attitude towards human sexuality and unfortunately our community didn't do much better in communicating the mine field that is sex. Now you couple that with a growing achievement gap between black men and women and the fact that many of our men who have accomplishments under their belt prefer women of other races. A black female in college doesn't know if she'll marry a black man. How sad is that. Then you have many sisters feeling entitled to having a "good man" because she has a college education, is professional, independent, childless and is a homeowner. None of which really matters to most men looking for a committed relationship as far as I can tell. It takes relationship skills like: negotiation, loyalty, being supportive, having your own life, consideration, having his back and lastly liking sex as what men look for most. And in my humble opinion most women are looking for a man who displays leadership, honesty, commitment and someone who makes us feel safe. Period. A man who is a college educated professional could take your money, sex your cousin and wreck your car like any other cat.
Now to the media, today you have the NY Times asking "what's wrong with Black women?" As if to say we're defective and fucked up, and why don't their own men want to be bothered with them anymore. When I watched the Nightline 2-hour show on such topic I was disgusted. How could a room full of educated and attractive black men and women totally miss the point. The point is that we're not together like we've been in the past and it's all calculated and set up that way. We sit up and focus on the state of our own personal lives and can't see that it's meant to be this way. The biggest blow you can give your enemy is to destroy his family.The children, husbands and wives all estranged and/or angry. How can life flourish in this? Even after slavery ended, you had slaves walking all over this country to find family that had been sold off just to reconnect and start to build, but with family first. Now we're all super-educated and multi-degreed and can't find a mate. How did this happen? Well it happens when you live in a nation whose media promotes the daily onslaught of self-hate imagery and buffoonery of African Americans. Whether its the visual media on television, the internet, movies, news or the music industry that promotes damaging images of Black men as thugs and Black women as whores sold to the highest bidder, we're put on a constant diet of "Look at you, you're fucked up and won't make it" You start to look at your brothers like they're the clowns in the video or the thug on the news last night, or you see sisters as "Bitches" and that name soon becomes synonymous with "black women". I pass Smooth Magazine every morning at the newsstand with a young "exotic" sister half naked with butt exposed, but see the cover of Penthouse and Playboy discretely covered up. As if these women's precious virtue still has to be protected even if they're on the cover of a skin magazine. Then there are the random news stories about the rates of HIV and STD infections in our community. How black women have such a higher incidence of herpes was the recent story. Now I know that epidemiological studies are skewed by race and class but I heard many black people blindly believing these statistics and not questioning anything. But diseases or social problems that disproportionately affect White Americans are never explored in the media, i.e. crystal meth, as if they're a part of some white pathology. The media through shows like Jerry Springer and Maury Povitch, which too many of us are loyal viewers, constantly perpetuates stereotypes that we've begun to subscribe to and don't even question anymore. We've accepted it like children and don't see the deleterious effects it has on our collective psyches. Then I notice all this media attention on the singlehood of black women happens to be during the first term of our first Black President. It still shocks me so I know it must shock others to see a beautiful loving family that's drama-free. You don't see that much anymore in the mainstream media concerning Black people. Then there's the gracious, ever-elegant Michele Obama that leaves many dumb-founded. Who is she to go to Spain and be fabulous, ivy league educated and rock Lanvin? I believe alot of this focus on single black women is about the discomfort many Americans have about having to face Michele on a regular basis. They're not used to all that "bad-sister" flyness on the daily and want to remind us that you might achieve status, wealth and fame but don't expect to have a partner to share all of that.
Back to the numbers game. Black men have a loaded deck and don't seem to care how the game ends, they're just enjoying the hand they have right now. After generations of being relegated to being the Black Stud, football catcher, basketball chasing, ball-throwing womanizer, the media heat has backed off of him just a taste and is now lasering in on the Black woman. He's left to enjoy the fruits of being reduced to a stud for women of other races. Brothers, don't be fooled by this. Anyone who wants to put you in a single box and not see the fullness of your humanity isn't doing you any favors. So now the question has become, what is it about Black women that is so disdainful that they're all alone? Well first let me state, not a damn thing. We're complicated, 3-dimensional people that are as resilient as a phoenix out of the ashes. And no matter what our men or anyone else might say, they all know it. Our community as a whole is held together by the tenuous threads of Black women. Mothers, workers, community organizers and most member of our religious institutions. It's all us. Holding it down. Stressed out and back nearly broken, but still holding it down. And yes, many of our men are here still holding it down and still fighting to protect and love their women and children. Black women are not unlovable or undesirable. We're not like some of our detractors would argue, too loud, aggressive, and bossy. We're tired. Tired of holding most of it down alone. Let me clue folks in, women are complicated. Period. So if she's white, asian, latina it don't matter. Black women are just as complicated as anyone else and should be allowed to be who they are instead of punished for it. First seek to understand the sister you dismiss with all the ready stereotypes.
I believe we're at a crisis point in our community, and you know the Chinese icon for crisis means opportunity. Right now we have an opportunity to look inward, backward and forward to see how we've gotten to this place and what we need to do to move to a new place. There's a collective cultural examination that needs to happen as well as the individual to take stock of their own baggage. Let's not look back with nostalgia at the past as if everything was so rosy, but really look at what we can learn today and what we need to throw away. We need to get committed to changing and doing better by each other. First take a look at the language we use. It reveals alot. Nigger, bitches, hoes, chickens, birds, losers. You know the rest....
We're allowing the media to trivialize this issue as some scandalous, emotionally-tinged issue to sensationalize rather than part of a broader soci-political discussion of the future of black america. Sure it has to do with the universal theme of finding love, but this is more than a dating issue and more about the social and cultural problem only we can solve. And yes it is a problem. We need strong families with healthy minded men and women directing our children to lead in the future. Putting away the bullshit, cleaning up our collective acts and giving a close look to our own personal baggage and expectations means we have to self-examine and get to work. Not talk about how brothers are dating whoever, or sisters don't wanna date a brothers' propspects.
Now today in the aftermath of the crack epidemic, that nearly leveled our community and family structure, our values for life, the youth, respect for the elderly, education and just plain old everyday love have fallen by the way side. Now let's talk about how this impacts black men and women dating, relating and connecting. Firstly, I'm not sure there ever was a solid handle on talking to young people honestly about sex and dating, and all the complexities of relationships. I, and many of my peers, were told "just don't get pregnant" without any solid discussions about the landscape of handling sex and intimacy. So I'm not convinced that the basics were ever fully established to sustain healthy, loving relationships and th sexual revolution didn't improve that in my opinion. This was the standard across racial and ethnic lines. Americans have always had an adolescent attitude towards human sexuality and unfortunately our community didn't do much better in communicating the mine field that is sex. Now you couple that with a growing achievement gap between black men and women and the fact that many of our men who have accomplishments under their belt prefer women of other races. A black female in college doesn't know if she'll marry a black man. How sad is that. Then you have many sisters feeling entitled to having a "good man" because she has a college education, is professional, independent, childless and is a homeowner. None of which really matters to most men looking for a committed relationship as far as I can tell. It takes relationship skills like: negotiation, loyalty, being supportive, having your own life, consideration, having his back and lastly liking sex as what men look for most. And in my humble opinion most women are looking for a man who displays leadership, honesty, commitment and someone who makes us feel safe. Period. A man who is a college educated professional could take your money, sex your cousin and wreck your car like any other cat.
Now to the media, today you have the NY Times asking "what's wrong with Black women?" As if to say we're defective and fucked up, and why don't their own men want to be bothered with them anymore. When I watched the Nightline 2-hour show on such topic I was disgusted. How could a room full of educated and attractive black men and women totally miss the point. The point is that we're not together like we've been in the past and it's all calculated and set up that way. We sit up and focus on the state of our own personal lives and can't see that it's meant to be this way. The biggest blow you can give your enemy is to destroy his family.The children, husbands and wives all estranged and/or angry. How can life flourish in this? Even after slavery ended, you had slaves walking all over this country to find family that had been sold off just to reconnect and start to build, but with family first. Now we're all super-educated and multi-degreed and can't find a mate. How did this happen? Well it happens when you live in a nation whose media promotes the daily onslaught of self-hate imagery and buffoonery of African Americans. Whether its the visual media on television, the internet, movies, news or the music industry that promotes damaging images of Black men as thugs and Black women as whores sold to the highest bidder, we're put on a constant diet of "Look at you, you're fucked up and won't make it" You start to look at your brothers like they're the clowns in the video or the thug on the news last night, or you see sisters as "Bitches" and that name soon becomes synonymous with "black women". I pass Smooth Magazine every morning at the newsstand with a young "exotic" sister half naked with butt exposed, but see the cover of Penthouse and Playboy discretely covered up. As if these women's precious virtue still has to be protected even if they're on the cover of a skin magazine. Then there are the random news stories about the rates of HIV and STD infections in our community. How black women have such a higher incidence of herpes was the recent story. Now I know that epidemiological studies are skewed by race and class but I heard many black people blindly believing these statistics and not questioning anything. But diseases or social problems that disproportionately affect White Americans are never explored in the media, i.e. crystal meth, as if they're a part of some white pathology. The media through shows like Jerry Springer and Maury Povitch, which too many of us are loyal viewers, constantly perpetuates stereotypes that we've begun to subscribe to and don't even question anymore. We've accepted it like children and don't see the deleterious effects it has on our collective psyches. Then I notice all this media attention on the singlehood of black women happens to be during the first term of our first Black President. It still shocks me so I know it must shock others to see a beautiful loving family that's drama-free. You don't see that much anymore in the mainstream media concerning Black people. Then there's the gracious, ever-elegant Michele Obama that leaves many dumb-founded. Who is she to go to Spain and be fabulous, ivy league educated and rock Lanvin? I believe alot of this focus on single black women is about the discomfort many Americans have about having to face Michele on a regular basis. They're not used to all that "bad-sister" flyness on the daily and want to remind us that you might achieve status, wealth and fame but don't expect to have a partner to share all of that.
Back to the numbers game. Black men have a loaded deck and don't seem to care how the game ends, they're just enjoying the hand they have right now. After generations of being relegated to being the Black Stud, football catcher, basketball chasing, ball-throwing womanizer, the media heat has backed off of him just a taste and is now lasering in on the Black woman. He's left to enjoy the fruits of being reduced to a stud for women of other races. Brothers, don't be fooled by this. Anyone who wants to put you in a single box and not see the fullness of your humanity isn't doing you any favors. So now the question has become, what is it about Black women that is so disdainful that they're all alone? Well first let me state, not a damn thing. We're complicated, 3-dimensional people that are as resilient as a phoenix out of the ashes. And no matter what our men or anyone else might say, they all know it. Our community as a whole is held together by the tenuous threads of Black women. Mothers, workers, community organizers and most member of our religious institutions. It's all us. Holding it down. Stressed out and back nearly broken, but still holding it down. And yes, many of our men are here still holding it down and still fighting to protect and love their women and children. Black women are not unlovable or undesirable. We're not like some of our detractors would argue, too loud, aggressive, and bossy. We're tired. Tired of holding most of it down alone. Let me clue folks in, women are complicated. Period. So if she's white, asian, latina it don't matter. Black women are just as complicated as anyone else and should be allowed to be who they are instead of punished for it. First seek to understand the sister you dismiss with all the ready stereotypes.
I believe we're at a crisis point in our community, and you know the Chinese icon for crisis means opportunity. Right now we have an opportunity to look inward, backward and forward to see how we've gotten to this place and what we need to do to move to a new place. There's a collective cultural examination that needs to happen as well as the individual to take stock of their own baggage. Let's not look back with nostalgia at the past as if everything was so rosy, but really look at what we can learn today and what we need to throw away. We need to get committed to changing and doing better by each other. First take a look at the language we use. It reveals alot. Nigger, bitches, hoes, chickens, birds, losers. You know the rest....
We're allowing the media to trivialize this issue as some scandalous, emotionally-tinged issue to sensationalize rather than part of a broader soci-political discussion of the future of black america. Sure it has to do with the universal theme of finding love, but this is more than a dating issue and more about the social and cultural problem only we can solve. And yes it is a problem. We need strong families with healthy minded men and women directing our children to lead in the future. Putting away the bullshit, cleaning up our collective acts and giving a close look to our own personal baggage and expectations means we have to self-examine and get to work. Not talk about how brothers are dating whoever, or sisters don't wanna date a brothers' propspects.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Black Economic Development: Can It Happen?
I attended a local event the other evening in my beloved Harlem neighborhood. The topic addressed by a panel was on gentrification locally, but also in the Harlems all over the world, and how Black people can mobilize at this tipping point to become economically empowered. First, there were applause and passionate rhetoric thrown around from all over the room but my main thought kept coming back to, will Black people love ourselves enough to start doing the work that needs to be done? Simple. We often times feel energized by a good speech or moved to think about ways we could start to turn it around, but how many of us take that leap into action. It feels sometimes like we don't have the will and the energy to take action to do what's in our own best interest. We've become complacent and throw up our hands then decide to just look out for ourselves and step over the problems all around us. And yes, I use the inclusive "we" because this includes me too. I think all of us sometimes feel the fatigue and the frustration at the system that has created these conditions, but also for the many brothers and sisters who succumb to the weight we're all under. I know the problems are massive and feel unsurmountable at times. But the hole keeps getting bigger and the calvary isn't coming to save us. Yes, we have a Black president. Sometimes I still find myself in shock at this reality nearly 2 years later and I'm still filled with joy and pride whenever I see pictures of those two beautiful brown girls growing up in the White House. But as much as I believe Brother Barack cares for his people and as powerful as he is, he alone can't turn the tide that plagues us daily. He let's us know with his references to "personal responsibility" that although he's a brother he expects people to be accountable for their lives and choices. Even if you're put off by the lecturing tone it still adds up to, you better do for self.
But what plagues us daily is the lack of healthy love for ourselves and one another. I emphasize "healthy" because there are all kinds of love that aren't good for anybody. You know the saying that "not everything that feels good to you is good for you." That said, I think if we made love our priority we would start to lose so much of the self-defeating behaviors that we struggle with on the daily. Things like not supporting Black-owned businesses because you feel their prices are too high or their customer service is inferior but then spend with people that are rude and charge the same for their products. Love has a way of clarifying what matters and what to let go. Our lack of self-love gets acted out in so many ways it would be hard to list, but you all know my point. Perhaps if their was sufficient love we'd stop wishing, imagining, reminiscing, hoping and dreaming about the day when things will be right. You know how it is when you're in the throes of romantic love and you do whatever it takes to make your beloved happy, safe and at peace. It's my belief that transforming our communities throughout this country could be easier than we think. Now I know it may sound overly romantic and simplistic to some, but love is in fact transformative and just as essential as oxygen. And most of all, love is about action. Yes, there are politics, laws and cultural attitudes that persist and try to prevent us from having strong viable communities that are self-regulated and autonomous. But just as Malcom X asked, "they're doing what they're supposed to be doing, are we doing what we're supposed to be doing?". And what we're supposed to be doing is loving ourselves and each other enough to change just a fraction of the madness.
Love is simple, hard, complicated and most of all it's about work. And I think the most basic, elemental and necessary work will begin once we've decided to love one another again.
But what plagues us daily is the lack of healthy love for ourselves and one another. I emphasize "healthy" because there are all kinds of love that aren't good for anybody. You know the saying that "not everything that feels good to you is good for you." That said, I think if we made love our priority we would start to lose so much of the self-defeating behaviors that we struggle with on the daily. Things like not supporting Black-owned businesses because you feel their prices are too high or their customer service is inferior but then spend with people that are rude and charge the same for their products. Love has a way of clarifying what matters and what to let go. Our lack of self-love gets acted out in so many ways it would be hard to list, but you all know my point. Perhaps if their was sufficient love we'd stop wishing, imagining, reminiscing, hoping and dreaming about the day when things will be right. You know how it is when you're in the throes of romantic love and you do whatever it takes to make your beloved happy, safe and at peace. It's my belief that transforming our communities throughout this country could be easier than we think. Now I know it may sound overly romantic and simplistic to some, but love is in fact transformative and just as essential as oxygen. And most of all, love is about action. Yes, there are politics, laws and cultural attitudes that persist and try to prevent us from having strong viable communities that are self-regulated and autonomous. But just as Malcom X asked, "they're doing what they're supposed to be doing, are we doing what we're supposed to be doing?". And what we're supposed to be doing is loving ourselves and each other enough to change just a fraction of the madness.
Love is simple, hard, complicated and most of all it's about work. And I think the most basic, elemental and necessary work will begin once we've decided to love one another again.
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